A Lil Sip n Paint

So being a professional artist and going to a “sip n’ paint” event is cheating, right?

Recently I was invited to two different painting events where I got to have a little wine, and be lead through a fun painting exercise. I ended up with drastically different pieces to share. I enjoy doing these classes because it allows me to distill the painting experience to just “doing.” No overthinking, no planning, no second-guessing. No setting up! All I had to do was show up and paint. It was the first time in a while where I didn’t worry so much about the outcome and focused on finishing.

Going to these events reminded me of how easy it is to make something. It’s a feeling that I need to continue to tap into and recreate in my own space, and I’m TRYING so hard. I want to get closer to a casual approach to art making which is detached from anything business-related. I still struggle with being preoccupied with what should happen AFTER I make the artwork, but it’s getting better. Slowly.

How have I been making the efforts to be creative without attachments? Talking it out mostly (shout out to my therapist). I’ve been listening to friends and perusing through online spaces which have been equally motivating and intimidating, however the urge to care is falling away from me which is definitely a good sign.

Thinking back on those sip n’ paint classes though, I’m realizing how inspiring it was. It was an innocuous experience that tapped into something that’s been desperate to find its way back to me. Plus I have two new, complete pieces that feel like a creative departure in a good way! With this surprisingly moving experience, the saga to define this new art “era” that I’m creating, continues.

Lemme Tell You About This Painting That Made Me Cry

In today’s Artist Talk, it’s time for a throwback. I did some weird-ass youtube videos on this a long while back but we gone talk about it again here.

I woke up one morning and in my pool of random first thoughts, this one painting came up. It was a piece that I did several years ago at a figure painting workshop hosted by the prestigious Studio Incamminati in Philadelphia. Back when I was a young pup (my early-20s) beginning to define my artistic direction, my goal was to excel in contemporary realist figure painting. If you can believe it. Looking back on it now, this might have been the piece that made me reconsider that path, because that was probably the most difficult experience I’ve ever had in a classroom environment. I don’t find myself getting frustrated too easily, but this shit made me cry after class for 2 nights in a row.

There were a few things that came together about this piece that broke me down. First, the Anders Zorn palette. It’s a very limited color palette using only yellow ochre, ivory black, cadmium red and titanium white…Yeahhh just go ‘head and remove both my arms and my eyeballs.

Though on the one hand, I appreciated the challenge that it presented to me at the time, I cringe every time I think about it. It felt like very little room for expression at all. Second, because this style of painting requires exceptional observational skills and execution, a lot is expected from the students. The instructors are highly accomplished professionals and I could tell that they were trying to push me to the next level. BUT, that nudging, through no fault of their own, is also what made me feel like shit because I just could not get it “right” despite how much they were trying to help me. No matter what I thought I was doing the painting was still…off. It bothered me to no end! My hands were just not painting what I was seeing and I became so, so defeated. And I cried. Pitifully. Right into my Tommy DiNic’s roast pork sandwich, for 2 nights in a row.

“Face: terrible
Proportions: weird
Shadows: harsh
Color: blah”

— My Personal Report Card

In hindsight, I’m more okay with how it turned out than I used to be. I understand that it was only for practice. There are some successful areas, and there are some some parts I wish I could’ve done better. Ultimately, I chose to view it as a tough lesson in going easier on myself when it comes to participating in these workshops. It was also a pivotal moment in my development because this was the last project before becoming inspired to move into the style in which I paint to this day. So at least SOMEthing really good came out of this particular struggle. Allegedly.

It Feels Like I'm Still Taking L's with My Art

Making and sharing art has been going so much slower than I expected.

Thankfully I can share that I finished the painting shown above for my Fine Art Memes series, but getting to that point took several weeks. I’m challenged with facing the fact that this is how I work now. And it suuuuucks. When my life had more freedom it was no problem. I could easily make at least 5-10 decent pieces in a year, even if I didn’t love them or sell them. These days I’m lucky if I can get 3 pieces completed, regardless of the quality. Creating the “Crying Jordan” painting was a little bit of a roller coaster. I went into it with so much confidence and excitement, but that shit was way harder than I thought it would be! By the time I finished, I found myself connecting with the image, crying on the inside. I thought: “It took me so long to get this done, how can I sustain any sort of art career? If I start posting work again out of nowhere, will it even matter? Maybe I should get a bunch of work done before I start sharing so I won’t have such a big gap next time. But will that matter if I take months in-between completing a piece every time?”

So many questions leading me to gray areas, which then lead me to feeling like I’m stuck all over again even though I’m taking steps forward. Taking L’s left and right. The way that I progressed through this piece mirrored how I’ve been progressing through this year in general. Wide eyed optimism at the beginning of the year, devolving into a Kanye shrug. I would like to revel in the act of finishing something, AND liking the results, but it’s hard to get away from feeling bad about the drastic change of pacing in how I work. Another act of letting go perhaps? I mean, at one point I wasn’t making anything and wasn’t sure if I ever would again. Many people would say that something is still better than nothing in this case. I don’t know.

At any rate, not sure how this turned so emo, I only wanted to share that I made some progress and painted something. At the same time I’m kind of annoyed with myself because I went from being stuck to being SLOW and that wasn’t in the plans at all. On top of all the other adjustments I’ve had to make in my life, all of this is yet another change that I have to deal with and I’m blown. I’ve been going through this in my creative life for the last 4 years now. I’m tired of this shit.