I'm really trying to start churning out work now...mmm we'll see how that goes! I'm going to try to work on something new each week. When I think about it, it seems like it might be hard, but I think that it's doable as long as I can stay focused. The "staying focused" part is going to be tough, I'm not gonna lie, because I don't want to sacrifice socializing too much. But shit, if it comes down to it...I just gotta do what I gotta do.Anyway, the painting above is the latest piece I finished. I used black gesso to paint over an old, ugly painting that I did some time ago. I didn't sand in-between coats like I normally would when adding gesso to a surface, but next time I might try it to see if it makes a difference. I just added one coat painting horizontally, then the second coat I painted vertically. I ended up with a really solid, matte black as the foundation:
Once I was ready to start, instead of doing an underpainting like I normally would, I just used regular white chalk to draw an outline:
Next time I might try to use a white pencil or something thin like that, which might make it easier to create lines, but we'll see. I have a lot of school chalk left to use, I feel a little bit locked into it (and maybe I'm just a little lazy).Once the outline was to my liking, I just dove in with color. I loosely painted some colors for the background, then started in with adding colors and values for the flowers:
Then I just kept at it until I thought that it was done. I really liked starting with the black background because it seems to make the colors much richer. These jeweltones seem to really be the star against the black ground. It does get to be a little tricky when using darker shades of color, but I don't mind improvising or simply using exposed parts of the black canvas as the darkest values. With this process, I like that I don't have to commit to covering up the whole canvas. I think that it has the potential add some visual interest to a painting this way. Plus it's just one less thing to think about.I've always been attracted to using flowers in my work. However, I feel like I'm still tweaking and getting used to painting in this loose style, and I wasn't quite sure how it was going to translate to painting flowers. That being said, I'd say that I'm very much pleased with this attempt. I think that I'm going to keep this in mind moving forward and try to paint more of these.
Slowly but Surely
Yes, it's been a while. I badly needed a period of retreat and regrouping.The last two weeks have been revelatory. Though people have seemed to notice some sort of positive shift within me, lately I'm finally starting to feel it myself. It's been a lot of really hard mental work and emotional weight loss over the last 5 months or so, but I think I can say that I'm genuinely turtling out of it now. Or starting to, at least. I'm still not sure where I'm landing with it all, but I have a much more positive feeling about it than before. So that's something.So the deal was that I experienced a heartbreak that affected me much deeper than I expected or realized. I internalized it for the greater part of the last year or so. A lot of things that I did or thought for a while was in reaction to that experience and my collective experience with romance and matters of the heart up to then. When I did my Slump series, I actually thought that I was coming out of the pain from that heartbreak and was starting to feel better. Starting that series was supposed to be about honoring the hardships and negative emotions that we experience on the path towards healing and brighter times, and I did those pieces thinking that I was deep into a period of wellness and prosperity after a long time of struggles before I left my hometown. The ironic thing was that the process of creating that series made me realize that I was nowhere near as well as I thought that I was at the time. I was not over that heartbreak at all. When describing the series I mainly spoke to how we sometimes put up a front to others about our inner selves, but now I can see how much I was kind of trying to fool myself at the time, which is a whole other side to the topic. After that series, I realized that I had a whole new path of growing pains to face. I definitely didn't want to though! There were a lot of heavy, shitty feelings that I had to recognize and absorb, and I resisted the process at times. However, growth and change are necessary evils.I don't know if I can say that I'm completely out of the woods yet, but...almost. I can feel that I'm starting to return to a new sense of contentment and balance. I can feel myself being willing to be a little more open in-person than I was for a time. It's also getting easier to see possible lessons from the experience and the aftermath. For a long time, it felt like I learned or gained nothing but lost so much. Now, I guess I can say that moving forward I may have a better blueprint for managing my expectations with people and to try not to have so much of myself tied up in any interaction with a person. I may also need to trust myself a little more and be much more careful with my heart. It kind of sucks to admit that though, because I thought that I was already pretty good about that. With that person, I surely thought that I handled myself very well and everything that I saw between us felt real, and natural. I thought that I did almost everything "right." Nothing about my actions or feelings toward him felt bad or wrong. I wouldn't have bothered at all if I thought that things were going to end up the way they are now. So to now say that I have to be even more careful than I thought I was just feels like way more work on my end for results that can't be guaranteed anyway.Even with all this growth and possible lessons, one thing that I still can't say that I feel yet is gratitude. Sorry, I just don't. I know that's usually one of the first offerings of advice people regurgitate in these situations, but I don't feel thankful for this loss at all. I don't feel thankful for these lessons I gained or the way that I had to learn them. It feels like some bullshit sometimes. I would love to have learned these lessons almost any other way. Maybe one day I'll be able to reach that level of wholeness or some shit, but as of now I'm still nowhere near it. I'm trying to take what I can out of the experience, because I have to, but it doesn't change how I feel. Maybe one day it'll hit me and I'll be thankful for it all. Or not.That's all for now. I only wanted to poke my head out for a bit. I'm still alive, just needing to sort out a bunch of internal stuff. I have a couple of pieces in the pipeline before I start working on pieces for shows in the coming year, so I'll be back soon to share those and talk about them. I hope you're starting to close out your year with optimism. I'm not sure if that's my stance yet, but perhaps I'm getting there slowly but surely.
Portrait for Fighting Cancer With Poetry
I just shipped this painting off to its new owner. She is the winner of last month's poetry contest for Fighting Cancer with Poetry. They bring awareness to all forms of cancer through the voices of Creatives. I was so honored to be the featured artist for their contest this fall!
I had taken a long break from creating to relax, regroup and enjoy the summer. It was a much needed hiatus! At the same time, I've been facing some challenges that have been especially taxing, to the point where I've retreated in some ways. This new portrait is my first real project in a while and honestly, it's right on time. It also feels great to do something for such an important charity. You should definitely take some time to learn about Fighting Cancer With Poetry and donate to their cause. I found their rep to be sincere, enthusiastic and easy to work with!Through the late nights, I had a lot of fun working on this piece. There were certainly moments of doubt though, especially in the beginning. It's a little bit hard to push through those feelings and thoughts, but I've learned that you just have to kerp going. All of that is nothing compared to that moment when you know that it starts to come together. It really feels good to start getting back into the fray again!