Cor Cordium at The Holland Project

My series of human hearts is a body of work that I’ve added to intermittently over 2 years, and is what I consider to be my most intentional work to date. The concept behind these paintings meanders between simple color exercises and a reflection of my preoccupation with love and human emotions. Working on these pieces eventually became a personal discovery for me, as it made me even more aware of how much I overanalyzed and obsessed about this topic. After much consideration and refining, I decided that this was the year to share the work with the world as a completed concept.

Through November 22, The Holland Project in Reno, NV will be exhibiting a collection of my human hearts in their Hallway Gallery. This show, titled Cor Cordium, is particularly significant to me because it is my first solo show since 2016. Here is my artist statement:

When I first conceptualized this series, the idea was very simplistic and immature, which I am sure was indicative of my mindset at the time. After a break, and some life experience, I returned to the idea with a more developed approach. I chose to use human hearts rather than the stylized “Hallmark heart” because it felt more realistic and complex, as love can be sometimes. At that point, the series evolved to be as much about color as it was about presenting each of the hearts as a sort of token to remind people about the act of feeling. Later in the series, I began to depict the hearts with erosion or missing pieces which marked a significant turn in the work.

The title of the show, Cor Cordium, is a Latin phrase meaning “heart of hearts.” As I present this series of paintings as a fully realized idea to the world for the first time, in my heart of hearts I think that the significance behind this process was a way of challenging myself, and the viewer, to be mindful of what is inward. Who are we and what do we truly desire, in the deepest depths of our core? What kind of effort are we making to align the external with the internal?

Gallery hours are Wednesday - Friday from 12-6pm, with an opening reception on October 25, from 6-8pm. For more information, visit The Holland Project's exhibits page here.

I will also be sharing selected works and insights on my Instagram page @tracilturner, so be sure to follow me there to stay in touch!

Off Days

Full disclosure: I ain't been right for a while now. Shit has been so "off" for me. Admitting that isn't a cry for help though. I'm just saying.It's not something that I think is specific to me, because we ALL go through shit ALL the time, but in the spirit of being semi-transparent I thought that it was appropriate to admit that I've been going through a particularly tough time lately. Internally it has been such a struggle to deal with my circumstances and personal relationships. So much so, that I couldn't even be creative and work for the last month. I suppose that it's been an on-going thing, but I've been able to manage it for the most part. Some days are easier than others but it was still relatively easy to remain optimistic either way. However during about the last 6 months, it has become increasingly difficult. Probably the best way that I can describe it is to call it an existential crisis. Sure, not that big of deal...The reasons and the triggers for such a period for me are plentiful and taxing, so I won't go too far into that, but I will say that a large part of what I've been feeling is frustration, confusion, annoyance and perhaps even displacement at this point. I think it's directed towards everything: people, the country and the world at large, my immediate surroundings and circles of influence, myself, and my experiences in Reno, NV for the last 4 years or so. You name it, the list goes on. I really just want things to chill the fuck out for a damn minute. Moving across the country and getting acclimated to a completely new environment and people was change enough for a while. I know that that transition was important and necessary so I don't have much to gripe about in that area, but just when I thought I was conquering that, it seemed like I was immediately dumped into a totally new and even more difficult transition. This time instead of a geographical change, it's been an internal one. One that seems to have been lasting for a few years now. Perhaps all of this is a part of some drawn out process of becoming a new version of myself, and as the older aspects of me die out they conflict with who I'm becoming now. It's a thought. I don't really know, which could be part of the problem too. Or maybe none of this means anything at all and it's just stupid made up bullshit that I'm overthinking because of empty, self-serving ideals or who the hell knows why. Either way, I'm just paying attention, taking notes and riding it out. I also turned another year older last week (I'm 33!), which is an event that always sends me into a period of intense self-reflection anyway. Though I have to say that this year I'm finding myself in the deepest and most scathing evaluation of just about every aspect of my life and who I am as a person. Everything is on the table for me to scrutinize and sort out. I have these check-ins with myself pretty regularly, because above all I want to make sure that I'm square with myself, fuck everything else. But this current self-evaluation has been really hard to get through because of what I'm discovering. So many shifts, for better or worse. I'm still deciding on where I land with it all.Ever since I've been in this new city, it seems like I have absolutely no barrier. If nothing else, it's made me realize what a bubble DC is and other places like it. Out here I feel so...exposed? I also feel equally visible and invisible, which is probably related to being a black female in a relatively small, mostly non-black space. Fuck, that's a topic that opens up a whole other can of worms, but I digress... I have been observing, absorbing and feeling almost everything around me very deeply and intensely - which at times can also make it hard to figure out what to filter or ignore. That feeling was the root of where my Hemorrhage series started and it's a feeling that has persisted throughout my time here in Reno. I'm sure it's a subject that permeates through all of my art in some way, if one were to sit down and connect it all. For the last few years I've felt like I've been flailing, trying to find some kind of anchor or consistency amongst everything that's swirling around me and within me. Maybe that concept doesn't really exist, because everything is liable to change at any moment and none of us "belong" anywhere. Maybe this whole time I've been chasing shadows, searching for answers that lead to nothing anyway. Well at any rate, the world keeps on spinning, right? I still have to get up everyday and be a person. I'm still some kind of a working artist, and work needs to be created and released into the world. So in the midst of all this anguish, I've been trying my best to keep up with Life. Unfortunately there was one painting that got caught in the mess and I can't view it in a positive light. I just really hate it so much:It can only be described as the physical manifestation of my discontent. I was stuck on this piece for months, having no idea of what was wrong with it or how to fix it. It had all started out so well, I thought. I don't know where I went wrong. This painting went through many color changes over the months. I even had to scrape out some color to start over completely in some areas:At one point I was so confused and pissed about it that I just stopped working on it altogether. I usually never set aside an unfinished project like that. It bothers me too much. But this time, trying to force a solution was what ate at me the most so I left it alone. Coincidentally I spiraled even further into a pit of despair soon after. So perhaps taking a break from all kinds of work was for the best anyway.Reading some of that back, I can certainly see some parallels between the progression of that painting and whatever I'm currently experiencing in my life. Which I'm sure is exactly why I hate that fuckin painting so much. I can accept and admit that I'm probably projecting and/or being too sensitive or dramatic, and that there's probably nothing inherently wrong with the painting. At the same time though, fuck that piece.Well, at least now I can say that it's finished and I can feel free to work on other projects. It's not in the corner of my workspace side-eyeing me and burning a hole in my brain at the thought of knowing that I haven't figured it out. So that's something, I guess.

Artist Talk: ever-present

I've finally gotten around to adding selected works from my show, "ever-present," from this past June. The work won't be new to those who follow me online or have seen it in-person, but to anyone that's been waiting for a more in-depth post about the show - I thank you for your patience. I have so much gratitude and appreciation towards everyone that took the time to visit Reno Art Works during the show's run, as it was a presentation that I took very much to heart. I think this was probably the first time in my burgeoning art career where I felt very emotionally attached to how people were going to respond to the work. Up until this show, I think that I've been able to maintain a healthy level of detachment: invested enough to care about my work and to share it, but not so much that my ego would be bruised if someone didn't like it. I think that I was so nervous and affected this time because of the subject matter. With ever-present, I directly addressed some intense emotions from points in my romantic life. I've certainly touched on it before in my work but to be honest, I didn't delve that deep within. I deliberately kept the topic close to the chest because for so long I wasn't sure that I wanted to have that level of transparency with the world. Perhaps I was ashamed of those feelings. Showing vulnerability is one thing, and it is a major key to the work that I do, but I don't want to appear weak. It's all fun and games until someone breaks your heart and you're told that you have to "just move on." Then what?There's something about growing up as a black woman that makes one feel like you can't, or shouldn't, express sorrow or anguish over losing a romantic partner - especially if it's a man. "Niggas ain't shit," "Dick comes a dime a dozen," "I can do bad all by myself,"...you know the drill. There's a sort of pressure to always appear like you have it together and that you're impenetrable. And if you're stuck on a man, then well...you a weak bitch. Plain and simple. I don't think that I'm weak, I just have an extremely hard time letting go of special people. And I don't want to be judged negatively for that. Suffice it to say, I don't have an easy time admitting or working through heartache. I have very supportive friends and family that I can talk to, but shit, there's a deep seeded sadness over some of these experiences I've had that I would never express to them even. It made sense to me to keep a lot of my struggles with matters of the heart to myself. However, over the years I've learned that sometimes no amount of pulling it together and shoving on can change how you feel about someone. In a case like that the best you can hope for, is to make different decisions moving forward. Because if you were able to reach that level of openness with a person, where any action they take can affect you that deeply, you can't take that back. There's no casually glossing over an experience like that. They're a part of you now, bruh, whether you get over the person or not.As with a lot of people, I find myself confused yet fascinated by romance and the part it plays (or doesn't play) in my life. Since moving 3000 miles away from my hometown almost 4 years ago, I've hit the six year mark of being without any committed romantic relationship and I entered my 30s. I say that in order to provide some context to where I am in life, not to pity myself, for the record. Though I don't consider myself to have a particularly strong desire to couple-up (but I'm mostly open to it), I do find myself constantly making observations about couples and singles, and my place within the ever-changing dating landscape. I write about it in my journals A LOT. There are many years-worth of journal entries where I've written a plethora of positive, forlorn and complicated passages about my romantic life and what I've picked up from observing things around me. I mean, it's probably obsessive at this point. Those journal entries provided the backdrop for the work in ever-present. I think the combination of the isolation I struggle with in my (fairly) new home, navigating through the end of a romantic involvement that was a game-changing experience for me and falling into heavy self-reflection through old journal entries brought me to a tipping point. Just writing it all out or talking about it wasn't good enough anymore. I decided that it was finally time to start addressing some of these things through color.So did being more intentional about expressing these private thoughts and emotions through my art help me get over some kind of emotional hump? Did I learn anything?  Yes and no. I did learn to be less afraid to be this open in my work. Extending myself in this way allowed me to connect with others on a deeper and fulfilling level. The outpouring of compassion and tenderness I received in response to the work was staggering. I suppose I knew that no one would be outwardly rude about it, but I didn't expect as much positivity either. Opening up and sharing myself, made strangers feel safe to open up to me in a way that probably would've never happened any other way. To be able to connect with people through my artwork, and to have those moments to offer comfort to one another about very personal and sensitive topics regarding matters of the heart was a life-affirming experience. I think I must have needed that as much as they did. I am thankful to all of the visitors for being so understanding and kind to me, they made it easier for me to get through it and to feel encouraged about what I'm doing as an artist. It's an incredible feeling to know that I can offer a perspective that people find refreshing, authentic and relatable. I definitely have a little more relief knowing that the personal experiences I touched on were not uncommon. The only detractor is that I wish all of this helped me improve my current outlook about my personal dealings with romance/dating. I still struggle a lot, and although I discovered that art-making can be a good outlet for me, just having a release isn't enough. But I suppose that's a completely separate issue that I won't talk about here. At any rate, please visit the gallery page for ever-present to view some of the stand-out pieces with accompanying captions where noted. The captions are either direct quotes from my personal journals (in the same vein as my short "Slump" series), quotes from personal conversations or were found.As always, I would love to hear what you have to say about the work, this blog post or if you have something on your heart that you need to bare. Leave your thoughts in the comments section.