This is the most personal piece that I've painted in a year. In my head I also consider it the first piece I've created all year that follows my "artistic canon." While entrenched in a mental and emotional shift so intense that I had to take a hiatus from my work, I found myself doing a lot of reflecting. I heavily questioned myself as an artist, and my worth as a person. I struggled with finding a connection to a certain hope about it all. It wasn't always clear where to find that source, and self-assurance constantly fell short. Many conversations with myself began with "Why" and "How," most of which leading to conclusions which felt outside of my control...and then having to learn to be ok with that. I suppose that's probably a pretty obvious "lesson," but I'm definitely not there yet still. It seemed appropriate to take a cue from this period of my life as the inspiration for this self-portrait, because I imagine that this type of struggle is what a lot of us have experienced at some point, or repeatedly, in life. The result being what I think is one of my strongest pieces to date.At this point in my art career I've officially accepted self-portraiture as a major aspect of my work. I noticed that I'm always returning to myself as a subject. Why? What is compelling me to depict so much of myself in my work? After much contemplation, I think that it comes from the compulsion to evaluate myself, my desires, and my place in the world as well as in my immediate circles of influence. Aside from the need to express myself, perhaps I may be trying to preserve pieces of myself in doing this. If I continue to do self-portraits (which is very likely) I think eventually the series will come to be a record of my mortality, adding a bit of a morbid tone to the collection. However, I don't think it's at that point quite yet.I don't feel much conflict about who I am or what I want, but when I uncover something new about myself or become fixated on an issue in my life I think it deserves to be documented. Maintaining this acute self-awareness has dominated my brain for quite some years now. As I get older, I've noticed that how I choose to react to my circumstances has come to feel more and more like mental chess. The stakes feel heavier. The act of defining, tempering and acting on my emotions and intentions becomes more complex. I see that I'm constantly challenged with thinking at least 2 steps ahead before doing anything, and questioning everything. So much of what had come to motivate me and sustain me felt like it had betrayed and abandoned me. In the darkest of times, try as one might, there's no way to view that as a freeing or positive thing. That shit ain't no setback leading to a setup for a comeback. Sometimes, shit just sucks. And it sucks for a long time. Even when you try to be positive, nothing feels good or hopeful. Never before have I ever been this skeptical or helpless about life. I can't even count how many times I've asked myself, "What's the point of any of this?" and "Why the fuck I even here?" "What am I doing?" "Is this all there is?" What else can I do? Nothing ever seems to be enough. Through it all though, I guess I've come to the conclusion that since I'm still here, then I have to keep trying to give myself a chance and make the best of it all. Perhaps each day of existence is the offering of hope. I don't know...Again, it seemed appropriate for me to make a painting to reflect this existential stage that I'm in. So I approached this self-portrait with mostly intentional decisions about color and technical application. I thought a lot of about depicting transitions and a certain conflict in the mood of this piece, because that's exactly what I think that I've been going through. The colors in the background choppily blending into each other the way that harsh truths have appeared in my life over the last 4 years or so. I no longer want to present myself as the brooding insomniac, sad girl like in previous iterations. This version of myself I think has evolved into something more mature and complex. With "Self-Portrait at 34" I wanted to dig a bit deeper to reveal a part of myself that I see and acknowledge but am not usually forthright about. This is a person who is pensive, vulnerable, sensitive, anxious, and passionate. There is skepticism and hope. Moody grays, specifically in the body, present themselves in the piece to symbolize the uncertainties and conflicts that I continue to carry with me. I also see it as a dead area, as if a part of me has hardened into stone. However it's not something that I think consumes me as much as it did before, I sometimes wonder if I may be softening up. The grays that transition to the bright reds is something that I wanted to use to add a bit of tension as well as visual interest. Is the gray about to overcome the red or vice-versa? Or is it moving at all? I wanted to use the red to defy the blues that I've used in previous self-portraits, but also to hint at the passion that I think is within me. The leaking breast motif pops up again in this piece, a symbol that I think I'll do a separate blog post on, showing an overflow of deeply hidden emotions and perhaps even some pain. I used gold leaf in a distressed way in this piece, to reflect how I see myself: precious yet worn. It's a bit of a nod to the past, as gold leaf was much more prominent in older works of art from centuries ago, and how I constantly pull from the past to help define the present or inform the future. I also like the association the process of gold leafing has to the human hand, emphasizing the idea of "the mark of the artist."I think that's as far as I'm going to go with discussing that piece in this post. Something special definitely happened in the process of making that self-portrait and I think I surprised myself. Now that it's finished and by allowing even myself to be affected by it, I do feel a bit more encouraged about making new work moving forward. But please don't feel bound to my explanation of the elements and inspiration behind this self-portrait, as there could be some sub-conscious meanings or associations that I may have a blind eye towards. I would love to hear your thoughts on the painting. What resonates with you? Hit me up in the comments section.If you'd like to hear more thoughts/discussion on this piece, check out this YouTube video or follow me on instagram and join in.
